Chase

I guess it seems like it's just about the chase.

What is it about playing cat and mouse that trigger the attentiveness of people? I'm being a hypocrite. I like the chase. I like the idea of not knowing how far I'd have to run before I call it quits. I like having an idea of what my prize would be and how it would taste. I like the fact that where we run to is nowhere near anything I expected. I like the challenge.

I'd like it even more if I were the cat. The mouse can only know where to run so far until it starts to run aimlessly. I ran through tight spaces, small holes, even hid behind thick walls. But that didn't even seem like enough to keep you from getting to me. You're challenging my ability and you're making me run further than I ever imagined possible. I've thought about giving up and calling it quits a few times but you have this hook on me. You captured my attention and fed my curiosity. Now I'm running faster than ever but I'm still letting you come close; still reminding you that catching me is still possible. Maybe you can say we're using each other. You're pushing me to run, you're testing not only my abilities but yours as well and we're riding the limits. I like the idea of not knowing where to run. I like the idea of trying to figure out which places I can hide. Is it possible to enjoy and desire the same ideas as the cat? Maybe I like the idea so much that all my senses are blocked, my adrenaline is high and I haven't quite figured out if I've fallen in a ditch or not.

Or could this whole thing be just a dream I'm fighting not to end?

3am-5am

PostSecret

"I think you should smile."

It's not only a beautiful gift we withhold, but it's a specific power we take for granted more times than none. Something as simple as a genuine smile has the ability to change not just your day around but each and every person who captures even a glimpse of that happiness. It's contagious, it's positive, it's refreshing. A smile can go a long way.

In one of my many sessions at my new spot, I sat there, contemplating certain aspects of my life. Taking in everything that has been said to me by some of my closest of friends, I sat there, thinking, trying to figure out what exactly was holding me back; what exactly it was that altered my life, my openness, my perspective so much that I am where I stand today. I fought with myself constantly, going back and forth, back and forth, convincing myself that this wasn't it, convincing myself that it was; my mind and my heart arguing with one another as if they worked against each other instead of beating as one. Finally, after minutes but what seemed like hours, my mind and my heart put down their walls, dropped their egos and realized that they saw each other eye to eye on only one thing.

I'm afraid to show you that I care because I don't want to scare you away. So I push you away before I get too close. And I act as if I don't care, but the truth is I'm scared to love again. The more I care, the closer I am to loving.

I never really understood how much or what exactly my last relationship left me with. I'm scared to love again. That simple truth -- my heart and mind were in unison. I didn't realize the emotional and mental toll that relationship took on me. It hardened my heart and drained my temples. It dried my tear ducks and instead drowned my heart. I hide behind a smile, hoping and wishing no one would notice. I proclaimed strong values and stood out against the crowd. I present myself as if I have my shit together. It's gotten to the point where I do it unconsciously. I've unknowingly convinced myself that this is who I am now and who I want to become. But the truth? The truth is I'm scared to love you. You being yet anonymous to me. It's you who I'm scared to love. It's you who I'm scared might hurt me. It's you who I'm scared might cheat on me. It's you who I'm scared might belittle me. It's you who I'm scared of to love. And it's the fact that I don't know who you are that scares me the most. Is it the next person who comes into my life? Is it a person already in my mind. Is it a person I have yet to meet. I don't allow myself to care because I feel as though I've done that before and its only managed to build up more walls. I'm scared that if I show you I care for you, you'd take advantage of me; use me; or even worse, show me again that I'm not worthy. I put everything I had, energy and all into my last relationship. And for what? To be shown that as much as you say you love someone you're just not satisfied?

I've forgotten most of their names, but I haven't forgotten the way I felt when I found everything out. It hurts. It kills. And one of the parts I still don't get: Why at times I still have the urge to say that I love you to you. And Why on Earth I'm still convinced you were the only person that truly did love me. I'm sure at one point in time you did, but if you love someone as much as you say you do, why do you do things to hurt them. I think that's something I never really got with relationship in general. Why would you deliberately do things to hurt the person you claim to love. Why.

I'm scared to love you because I don't know what I would do if I were ever put in that position again.

DANCE

as though no one is watching.

LOVE

as though you have never been hurt before.

SING

as though no one can hear you.

LIVE

as though heaven is on Earth.

I've seen this countless times before but it was it only until I came across this time around, that what it said actually stood out to me. Love as though you have never been hurt before. I think I might actually try and do this. Understanding that this is a difficult task, I feel more willing now at this stage of my life that I have been the last year or so. I say I'm always up for whatever it is, I've made it known that I am a pusher, a risk-taker, someone unpredictable, random and spontaneous. Let's try loving again. I'm willing to risk it. After coming to this realization, my heart and my mind are in unison. Although I have a good feeling that either one or the other will have it's down moments and its times of doubt and most likely try and convince the other that it won't work, I'm going to try to love unconditionally again. Where to start, let's start with myself. Let's start with my girls. Let's start with my close friends. Let's patch up the cracks in certain relationships, in certain friendships and make sure each person I love knows not just by me saying that I do, but knows by the things that I do that show that I care.